


War Of The Roses

by WeWillSpockYou



Category: McKirk - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:53:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillSpockYou/pseuds/WeWillSpockYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim calls a radio show in a last ditch effort to save his failing marriage. </p>
<p>**The voice of the radio DJ is in italics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	War Of The Roses

_Waaaaake up, Atlanta! It’s 5:55 AM and It’s gonna be another muggy one, surprise, surprise, surprise. We’re fixin’ to hit ninety degrees again today. I’m Chase McIntyre and this is Z93 in the morning. It’s Thursday ladies and germs and all ya’ll know what that means…WAR OF THE ROSES! Everyone knows how this works, if you think your spouse or insignificant other is cheatin’ on your sorry ass, give me a call NOW!! What we do next is simple, we call your true love and offer them a free dozen roses to go to the person of their choice and bingo, bango, boingo, you know if they’re cheatin’ on you. Let the fireworks begin, call me now at…_

Jim hated _War of the Roses_ , but today, it could he and Bones’ last chance. He picked up his cell phone and with shaking fingers, began to dial.

 _Welcome back to Z93 in the morning, this is Chase McIntyre and it’s time for_ War Of The Roses. _Today our victim, hahaha, our guest rather is Jim. Say hello, Jim._

“Hi.” He was sure this was a mistake, a big, huge mistake. Bones was going to kill him or divorce him and he wasn’t sure at the moment which option was worse.

_So, Jim, tell all of my listeners why we’re here today._

“My husband, Bones, err Leonard, ummm. He’s a doctor.” Jim felt worse and worse about this with every new word out of his mouth.

_Ohhhh, a DOCTOR, huh, bet he gets hit on constantly by pretty nurses and hot surgeons. Am I right, Jimmy?_

“It’s Jim. Only Leonard calls me Jimmy, but not lately. And I-I guess he, uhhh, gets hit on, I mean he’s a handsome guy, you know?”

_So you think he’s doing the mattress mambo with someone at work? What a dog! Woooooooof!_

“Well, I don’t know. He’s been sleeping there, working long shifts, not coming home.”

 _Ohhhh, that’s tough luck, Jimmy. Real tough luck. I mean, hey, we’ve all seen_ Grey’s Anatomy _and what happens in those on-call rooms. Those docs get more ass than a proctologist. Am I right, Jimmy?_

"Ah, it’s Jim and I don’t know. I umm just want my husband back. Want things back the way they used to be. He’s the love of my-”

_Blah, blah, blah. Let’s get to the good stuff shall we? Let’s get Jim’s dirty, lyin’, cheatin’, husband on the line. One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy- Gee, I hope he’s not too busy getting a piece of action to answer the phone, because let me tell you what, ladies and germs, this is shaping up to be one epic WAR!_

“Hello?” Bones voice sounded tired, like he hadn’t slept well or much.

_Howdy, can I speak to Leonard, please?_

“Speaking, who is this?”

_I’m Bob Smith from Enterprising Designs and I’m calling because you’ve won a free dozen roses. Who would you like us to send them too? They can ship anywhere in the continental United States._

“Ahh, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I never signed up for any contest.”

Jim could hear the unease in Bones’ voice. He hated that he sounded so tired and almost lost.

_That’s right Leonard, your friend Christine signed you up for this contest and you’re the lucky winner. Who would you like to send these free roses to?_

“Oh, well, that sounds like something Christine would do.  She’s a hopeless romantic.”

_Would you like to send the roses to her, Leonard? Women love roses._

“Ummmmmmm…”

Jim’s breath froze in his throat and he could swear his heart stopped beating in his chest when Bones paused. OH GOD, he thought, what if Bones chooses someone else? This was bad, this was wrong. Jim’s mind spun around and around. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Jim started to cry into the muted speaker of the phone.

“Send ‘em to my husband, Jim.” Bones said softly, his voice tinged with sadness.

Jim took a heaving gulp of fresh air to stop the burning in his lungs. “He chose me, he chose me.” Jim kept repeating to himself.

_Why so sad there, Leonard? Shouldn’t you send these flowers to someone who makes you happy? Sounds like this Jim fella is making you miserable._

Jim’s heart sank. He knew he and Bones had been having a rough go of things, but he didn’t think he was making Bones miserable. Was he? He must be though, if Bones wasn’t coming home, preferring the hospital to their bed.

Bones sighed into the phone.”He doesn’t make me sad. He’s always made me happy. Happier than I ever had a right to be.”

Jim could hear the smile in Bones’ voice. Jim knew Bones’ eyes would be glowing green and he would be rubbing a hand against his jaw as he smiled.

_So why so blue? Is the bastard cheating on you?_

“NO, NO, NO!” Jim screamed into the phone.

“No!” Bones’ voice was strong and confident. “No, Jim would never cheat on me.”

_So what’s the problem? What’s got you sleeping at the hospital instead of in his bed?_

“Hey- How do you know about me sleeping at the hospital?” Leo sounded angry and defensive.

Jim knew Bones’ eyes would now be sharp, glittering emeralds, cold and unbreakable. His jaw would have a determined set, one eyebrow would be arched into his hairline.

_Your friend, Christine wrote it on the prize ticket._

“Oh well, yeah. She’s seen me sleeping on the sofa in the doctor’s lounge. Ahh, Jim got real distant. We, um, stopped laughing, then stopped talking, stopped making- Well anyway. And I was too scared to ask what was wrong.” Bones sighed.

 _What’re you scared of, Leonard? You must have been scared he was cheating? Christine says he was quite the_ playa _before ya’ll got hitched._

Bones was adamant, “Jim would never cheat. Never, he would never do that to me, he knows too well what my first marriage was like. No.”

Jim was crying on the other end of the phone. Rage and despair flowed through him. When he got his hands on that DJ, he was going to plant his fist in that guy’s face, twice.

_So if it wasn’t cheating, what scared you?_

“It was too hard to be close to him without the intimacy. Being close enough to touch him and not knowing if my touch would be welcomed.

“You’re always welcome, Bones. Fuck.” Jim swore.

“Maybe these roses will be the first step to winning Jim back.”

 _Well Leonard, I gotta tell ya, this is Chase McIntyre at Z93 in the morning and this is_ War Of The Roses.

“What?” Bones’ voice was glacial.

_I gotta tell ya, man, I’ve been doing this show for a lotta years and never before have I met a couple like you and Jim._

“What do you mean?” Bones’ voice had only thawed slightly.

_The point of this prank is for the cheating spouse to send the flowers to someone else and then fight with each other over the airwaves. It’s a ratings winner- But you two have moved my cold, dead, cynical heart. I apologize for putting you through this Leonard. Jim as well._

“Jim?”

_Well, I’ve got him on the other line. He’s been listening to every word you’ve said. You still there, Jim?_

“Y-Y-Yeah.” Jim snuffled into the phone.

_Well Jim, you heard every word your husband said, what do you think?_

“I’m so sorry, Bones. So sorry I stopped talking and laughing and touching you.”

“S’okay, Jim.” Bones was crying too.

“Worse, I’m sorry I resorted to this radio show to trick you.”

“I’m not, Jim.”

“What?”

“I’m glad you did it. Gave us the kick in the pants we both need to get our marriage out of the ditch.”

“Come home, Bones, just come home. Please.” Jim started crying again.

“On my way, Jimmy.”

 _Well, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it, an honest to goodness love connection here on_ War Of The Roses. _This is Chase McIntyre and you’re listening to Z93 in the morning…_

**Author's Note:**

> I HATE this particular radio prank. One of the radio stations here in Boston does this and it's absolutely heartbreaking. As is usually the case with these kind of plot bunnies, I was in the car driving to work. It was time for War of the Roses and for whatever reason that day I didn't change the radio station. The story unfolded the way they always do, with the wife crying about her husband and laying out the reasons she thought he was cheating. The DJ got him on the phone and sure enough, he sent the damn flowers to another woman. This poor girl was destroyed. Usually these couples yell and scream at each other, but this woman just cried and cried. So of course now, I am crying too. Then there's Jim...James Tiberius Have I Got A Plot Bunny For YOU... That dirty rat bastard started telling me how to do this story, as if I weren't already crying hard enough as it was.
> 
> The funny thing about this plot bunny is that it's been rolling around in my head since June. I don't know what it was that spurred this on. I was looking through my "Unfinished" folder on my computer and saw the name of the story. Ten minutes later I was sketching out almost an entire page of ideas.
> 
> What did you think of Chase McIntyre? I wanted to make him as rotten as possible!! 
> 
> As always, let me hear what you think!


End file.
